Through a Glass Darkly

Once upon a time I used to be certain. Man, certainty feels great. It feels firm and righteous. But then, unexpectedly, all these questions showed up and tackled me by the knees. They took me down hard and punched holes in all of my comfortable assurances. Questioning. It’s hard work questioning all of your core beliefs. It’s uncomfortable. It’s exhausting and uncertain. Man, uncertainty feels terrible.

 Yet I’ve gained something valuable in my many moments of tension, uncertainty, and confusion- a little more humility. I recall being an overly certain 12 yr old on an airplane explaining to an adult atheist I’d managed to wrangle into debate that I’d thoroughly researched all other options when it came to belief and arrived at the only credible decision. He remained rather stoic, but I imagine his eyes wanted to roll all the way out of his head. At the time my certainty gave me an air of undeniable arrogance that I’d rather not revisit.

I’ve realized that seriously questioning your own assumptions and beliefs when you’d rather not is psychologically painful.  And so debate is a poor way to engage anyone on those core things we hold so tightly, because in a debate we can only defend, protect, and attack . Any conversations on matters of belief (religious, political, social, whatever), are much more valuable in the context of respect and relationship.

I’ve been trying to see the world through a variety of lenses. It’s uncomfortable. If you can really see something from another vantage point, you have to accept that things are more complicated, more nuanced than we want them to be. Liberal or conservative, religious or atheist – we all love our thrones of certainty from whence we can righteously condemn the obvious evils of other world views. Could it be that what we all need is a little less certainty? A little more humility? I’m not saying let’s all embrace relativism, but can’t we agree that existence is complicated?

In my faith journey I’ve gone from certainty to doubt, and have since arrived at a place of confidence. I have confidence that we are not an accident. I am confident that God is really there and that He still speaks.  I am confident. But in this confidence I can now recognize that at some level… I have no idea what’s going on.

“For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: for now I know in part; but then I shall know even as also I am known. “

1 Corinthians 13:12